Doc Hoff’s #BlogBlogProject: “My Saturation Point”
By University of Delaware student, Trey Deputy, Communication senior
I’ve been sharing blogs written by my University of Delaware students since 2013. This blog, by Trey Deputy, a senior majoring in Communication, was written for my National Agenda class and examines the idea of a “saturation point,” or the point where one realizes that a conflict’s harms outweigh the benefits. It is based upon his reading of Amanda Ripley’s 2021 book, “High Conflict.”
The base alarm in Afghanistan starts screaming, followed by the radio blaring the words, “Rocket attack, rocket attack.” The warning alerts the military and civilians on base that a rocket is rapidly approaching, and to take cover. Imagine yourself in this situation: added to your all-inclusive overseas stay are improvised explosive devices scattered through the land, the sickening sound of an AK 47 round cracking near your head, amid policies that make it feel like you’re fighting someone with one hand tied behind your back.
Through all of this, I kept a built-up, mixed bag of emotions. I was 24 years old, pocket full of money, angry, and feeling invincible. I was walking through life as an indestructible DC universe character. I was reasonably confident that dancing with the devil a second time would have been my last, but there I was, back stateside and in one piece.
Going through life living as if you should’ve already been dead is maybe not the best way to go about things. I admit that I have ruined many romantic relationships and friendships; treated people poorly; and had a carefree, careless attitude with life. To be honest, I didn’t understand why I was still alive. I didn’t have any special skills. I didn’t invent anything to improve life. I thought of my life as a mistake, and that I should drink all the alcohol, go to every bar, be with every woman, and die young in combat. That was until I hit my “saturation point,” as the author of one of our assigned books this semester calls it.
In her book “High Conflict,” Amanda Ripley stated that a “saturation point” is when you realize that the losses outweigh the gains. In other words, I finally reached my “ah-ha!” moment in life. It happened in the most unexpected place, too. I was in my second year at Penn State, and somehow, I had become a cheerleader for the football team. I didn’t grow up cheerleading, and I wasn’t a jump-around flexible guy either; I just wanted to be a part of a team again. October 19, 2019 was a whiteout game against arch-rival Michigan; a “whiteout” is where the whole stadium wears white. The crowd was electric. Even thinking about it now gives me goosebumps.
I remember I was in the middle of the field carrying the last “T” flag in “Penn State” — cheerleaders run nine flags spelling out “Penn State” across the field before the whole football team emerges. At that moment, looking around at 110,000 screaming fans, it hit me. I had wanted to die so badly in combat, and then I had wanted to live my life so recklessly that I would have missed this moment. I instantly started thinking about my life’s potential to be a great husband, father, uncle, brother, son, and person. I began to breathe deeply to capture the light mist on the field, the feel of the grass underneath my sneakers, the view of the crowd, and noticed how the temperature drops a few degrees in the middle of the field. If I could be devoted to my life at least half as much as these fans were to this team, then I would be fine; that was my conclusion. Now, I appreciate things I always took for granted. I take more time to memorize my father’s face and voice, to listen to the birds chirping at a feeder, and I even enjoy the terrible weather — it’s all been a part of my process.
One final thought: individuals in combat are not the only ones in a violent occupation that find the good in life to make a switch. Ripley’s book describes a prominent drug dealer who finds his own saturation point by watching his son. At that point, he gave up his reckless lifestyle. I’m glad that is not the case for me, but I still want to find that inner peace that allows me to be the best version of myself for the future. I have lost more friends stateside than in combat, from car wrecks to overdoses. For those guys, their saturation point was their ending. They couldn’t see past where they were at. My saturation point is my starting point for the second half of my life in my story.
This blog was written by University of Delaware student, Trey Deputy, a senior majoring in Communication, for my National Agenda class.
